Angry, pissed Uncle Albert leans over his turkey to lecture the gathered relatives around the festive table about his really knowledgeable ‘facts’ about Brexit – all of which are quotes dredged up from Michael Gove and the Daily Express. To end the ensuing awkward silence, here is a handy 32 point bullet point guide to help you enjoy some feisty banter with your nearest and dearest about what the hard red, white and blue Brexit sentiments have produced so far.
– Those Godawful pink wafer biscuits you had as a kid have been wiped out by Brexit
– 100,000 people did not march on the Supreme Court as Nigel Farage had predicted to show that Brexit meant Brexit. Fourteen turned up instead.
– By the time the UK fully leaves the EU there will be a majority of people who voted to remain as so many of the leave voters will have died
– Ministers are determined to make you believe that one against 27 is now only an equal battle but one that can be won by the one
– Boris Johnson really is an absolute arse. He wasn’t just faking it
– The Labour Party still has absolutely no clue about how to respond
– With a post-Brexit new government Rupert Murdoch will now be permitted to consolidate his hold on the UK media by being allowed to buy Sky
– Murdoch will also be able to buy it for 15% less than the original asking price.
– Buying a holiday home will be a sound investment as families shun going abroad as it will be too expensive
– Petrol is now 5p a litre more expensive than it would have been
– £430million will have to be spent on civil servants to deal with Brexit
– There was no post-Brexit plan
– There still is no post-Brexit plan
– Toblerone’s have had the gaps between their pyramids increased because of Brexit
– Even the founder of UKIP thinks it should fold. Meanwhile the Lib Dems think that with a whopping nine MPs they are somehow relevant in British politics.
– Only oil companies, defence contractors and mining firms in the FTSE100 have made any real gains. It isn’t that they employ people in Britain or increase exports from better working practices since Brexit, they just report their profits in pound sterling but sell their wares in dollars
– No one can quite answer the question about what to do about the border between the Republic and Northern Ireland. Or Gibraltar for that matter
– Any trade deal between Europe and the UK will take at least ten years and even then may fail
– Low cost holiday firms are going bust all over the place
– As are DIY outlets
– Even Ministers know we can’t have our cake and eat it as the French are going to do everything they can to make sure the UK deal is as crap as it can be
– Multi-national companies, especially in the automotive industry, are getting bribed in tax sops by the government to stay
– Banks are already starting to move staff to Europe
– French and German financial centres are bribing banks to come and relocate to their hubs
– Ministers are negotiating defence contracts with dubious regimes in order to protect jobs
– Even though the government wanted a sovereign Parliament, they don’t want it quite yet
– Even if all immigration from Europe and beyond was stopped now, Britain would still have one in three people classified as an ethnic minority by the year 2050
– Brexit will cost around £80billion in the next decade
– Inflation has already risen, but will gather pace from next month onwards forcing the prospect of stagflation upon the UK
– The election of Trump was in part caused by Brexit
– There are a lot of very angry disenfranchised older white men in the world
– Race hate crime has increased across the country since the vote
– Mayonnaise and washing powder will increase in price in the near future
– There is no £350 million a week for the NHS. But there will be £3billion less for schools by 2020.